{"id":2527,"date":"2017-04-11T20:01:18","date_gmt":"2017-04-12T03:01:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/extra\/?p=2527"},"modified":"2025-08-25T10:34:04","modified_gmt":"2025-08-25T17:34:04","slug":"how-to-respond-to-a-survivor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/employee-engagement\/how-to-respond-to-a-survivor\/","title":{"rendered":"How to respond to a survivor"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic.png\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-2523\" src=\"https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic-396x205.png\" alt=\"Sexual Assault Awareness Month Graphic\" width=\"528\" height=\"274\" srcset=\"https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic-396x205.png 396w, https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic-768x399.png 768w, https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic-792x411.png 792w, https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic-990x514.png 990w, https:\/\/wpcdn.web.wsu.edu\/wp-spokane\/uploads\/sites\/456\/2017\/04\/Graphic.png 1058w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 528px) 100vw, 528px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><em>April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Each week, WSU Health Sciences Spokane will feature blog posts highlighting various issues dealing with sexual assault. This week: how to respond to a survivor.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><strong>By Tera Lessard<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong>WSU Spokane<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>WARNING: This article contains information about sexual assault and\/or dating violence which may be triggering to survivors.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>For many survivors of sexual assault and interpersonal violence, the only person they will ever share their story with is a trusted friend. These experiences carry with them an inordinate amount of shame, self-blame and secrecy. Survivors will often question their decisions or their worthiness to be in a safe and respectful relationship. This is why it is so important that friends know how to respond without creating any further harm. If you haven\u2019t already found yourself on the receiving end of someone\u2019s story, you might someday. Here are some important things to consider.<\/p>\n<h4>You are no longer in \u2018friend mode\u2019<\/h4>\n<p>You are now in \u2018car wreck mode.\u2019 As Scott Lewis coined in his TED Talk on responding to victims, friend mode, although well-intentioned, can be harmful. In friend mode, we may respond with, \u201cOh my gosh, where did this happen? Who were you with?\u201d<\/p>\n<div class='embed-youtube' style='text-align:center; display: block;'><iframe class='youtube-player' type='text\/html' width='640' height='390' src='https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/5x0ypp5REaU?version=3&#038;rel=1&#038;fs=1&#038;autohide=2&#038;showsearch=0&#038;showinfo=1&#038;iv_load_policy=1&#038;wmode=transparent' frameborder='0' allowfullscreen='true'><\/iframe><\/div>\n<p>It\u2019s important to remember that survivors are often already plagued by self-blame. Any kind of information gathering, innocent as it may be, can further feed these feelings. Instead, try responding as if you had just seen the person experience something traumatic, such as a serious car wreck. In this instance, you might respond with, \u201cOh my gosh. Are you ok? What can I do?\u201d<\/p>\n<h4>What not to say<\/h4>\n<p>Avoid responding with \u201cI understand\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s going to be ok.\u201d We want to offer a message of empathy and hope when our friends are struggling, but even if you have experienced interpersonal violence, your story is yours. And your friend\u2019s story is his. This isn\u2019t about you, so don\u2019t empathize by telling your story. Save that for another time. Instead, focus on listening and helping your friend in the way that he has asked you to \u2013 no more, no less. Let him stay in control of your level of support.<\/p>\n<h4>What to say<\/h4>\n<p>You may feel compelled to respond to your friend but you aren\u2019t sure what to say. Consider \u201cI\u2019m sorry this happened,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not your fault,\u201d \u201cI believe you,\u201d or \u201cYou are not alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4>Your most important response is listening<\/h4>\n<p>Let your friend share whatever she wants with you. Don\u2019t ask questions to clarify what happened or better understand the story. Simply listen and offer support.<\/p>\n<h4>Resources are your friend, too<\/h4>\n<p>Make use of community and national resources that are available to both you and the survivor. You may want to offer to go with your friend to a first appointment or support group, or help her make that first phone call. If she wants to go on her own, honor that boundary. If she tells you she is not ready to talk to anyone else, honor that boundary too. Hearing a friend\u2019s story can be quite difficult and may have a significant impact on you. Many organizations also offer guidance to those who are supporting survivors. Remember to take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a supportive friend. <a href=\"https:\/\/oeo.wsu.edu\/resources-spokane\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Here are\u00a0resources in Spokane,<\/a>\u00a0and you can also get\u00a0more information on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.rainn.org\/articles\/self-care-friends-and-family\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Self-Care for Friends and Family of survivors<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h4>This does not define your relationship<\/h4>\n<p>Your friend is still the same friend he was before. Don\u2019t feel like you need to bring up the situation every time you see him. It\u2019s O.K. to check-in periodically and remind your friend that you still care. If he brings it up, remember to listen and offer support. Often, survivors would like nothing more than for life to go back to how it was before. Sometimes being that trusted friend puts you in a position to offer that comfort.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Each week, WSU Health Sciences Spokane will feature blog posts highlighting various issues dealing with sexual assault. This week: how to respond to a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":[],"featured_media":2523,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_wsuwp_accessibility_report":[]},"categories":[1514],"tags":[1350],"wsuwp_university_location":[],"wsuwp_university_org":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/528"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2527"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4207,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527\/revisions\/4207"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2523"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2527"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2527"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2527"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/author?post=2527"},{"taxonomy":"wsuwp_university_location","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wsuwp_university_location?post=2527"},{"taxonomy":"wsuwp_university_org","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spokane.wsu.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wsuwp_university_org?post=2527"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}